A Week with the Newbs

Can I call them that? News? Rookies? Patrick calls them cubs. I can see Aurora and Kira as cubs, i suppose, but Jeff and Sophia? I just can't wrap my brain around that terminology, no matter how much I sometimes think I hear Fahr reminding me of it in the back of my mind.

First week past the Dark Moon. Glad it is past. I am still shaking from the sense of it, the night terrors that rouse me. I am glad for the sleeping pills I can sometimes get from Patrick and know that I can't make a habit of them. I just didn't want to wake everyone with my screams while they are so new to the shocks and changes they have gone through. I also am far from ready for the questions they might ask.

My instincts bade me stay, learn, help. My training urged me to run, get away, both for their safety and mine. No... no... I am not cursed. What happened... happened. I try to tell myself it is not my fault. No, I will not run... because it was my fault, my neglect. People died because I didn't do the right thing. These people here need me. Patrick and I are the only ones really familiar with shifting and the shifting world, even if i am not very well versed, i sure know more than they do!

Then there is Moon. He is like a quiet wild card. Like a slow sleeping bear. Like the rumble of the very earth. He is a bear with on eye missing, replaced with just a silver ball. But will he stay and help or just leave?

If I am staying, then I need to know this new territory. This is my training talking. Or is it my natural instincts. I have a hard time telling the difference these days as one day runs into the next. So I explore and I observe. I walk the whole of the grounds and find it not symmetrical at all. It is as if Marchettus grabbed up random plots of land here and there as he went. It does have a long stream with a waterfall on one end, many barrows and hedges. There is good hunting here. Decent places to run and hide. It could Definitely be made defensible, if only for its size. However there are no current defenses in place. Supposedly the gauntlet is thinner here like at a cairn. Patrick claims it once was an old cairn long abandoned or forgotten.

I still haven't entirely decided to stay. I have a safehouse... compromised, but still. There is cat magic in it still. This is wolf magic here... and I am finding I like it... damn Fahr. Damn me... I must be going soft.

On the grounds are so many animals, exotic and wild and domestic alike. The pride of domestic cats are lead by a queen maincoon. Man is she a bitch! Well this is her territory I am treading on. I am not fighting a domestic cat for it. It is not my den, not going to be my den... or... is it... It is like bloody Noah's Arc here.And they all kowtow to the maincoon bitch. Well... not me! Not unless she is some serious spirit totem figure thingy.

Back to my observations. Sophia now that she has changed has yet to come into her gifts. She's been acting all twitchy outside as if she keeps seeing things that aren't there. Maybe she is. Maybe that is her gift? Someone should tell her such. Or not. Not like she is going to listen. I wonder how much wine she can have before she is too inebriated to function? I bet a vampire could get drunk on her blood she seems so pickled. Nah... too sour... practically vinegar. *pardon while I snicker to myself for 20 minutes about that*

Ok... I have recovered. Patrick has to plan the rites of passage for people. I know there are many steps involved. I've been present for a few rites, but not the whole process. I am curious. This is a great opportunity to learn something new that I doubt I would ever get to learn otherwise. Will the token kitty be allowed to? I can hope. But then I would have to commit to this pack if it becomes one. Do I want to do that? Dare I?

WOAH! Sohpia is talking to the nothings that are there. Yup, I would say that is a gift of some sort. I bet she feels like she's going mad. Short trip for her I think. *snicker* It is kind of fun to watch everyone come into their gifts. Kira can speak to the living animals and seem to understand and be understood. Like any girl her age, she finds this cool. Hell, so would I?! Aurora... all I have noted so far about her gifts is that she can glow. That might just be because she is Silver Fang. I vaguely recall they can all do that. I might be wrong though.

We've been moved from the... "The Privy" to the main house completely now. Part of my scouting about was also to smell out for taint. I will never forget the smell of the wyrm. The taint stuck in my nose from that incident. Burned into my memory as the scars will forever mark my face, my body, my soul. And yet... the taint is practically non-existent here on these grounds or even with Marchettus directly. I don't know what that means. I wish I could ask Fahr. While I know Patrick, we haven't really been considered friends. Would he know? Should I ask? Maybe I should talk to him, not just of this, but also of the state of the garou. Rats are migrating onto the property... they smell of the taint from the city. That too I should speak to Patrick about. if the rats flee the city, what is the state of the city turning to? What does it all mean? Why do I feel like we are on the edge of war... a big war?

I will continue to lay low, observe. I hear the vampire prince of the city is names Capone. I thought he was some mob boss. Apparently from what I overhear, he too is not doing well with the mess in the city. I am tempted to find out how bad it is. See if I can infiltrate.

First though is to ensure we can survive here for a time. Thankfully the hunting game is good and there is lots to forage. Berries. Herbs. Even fish. I take the young girls out hunting to teach them how to identify things in the wild and how to hunt for themselves. In case no one is here to provide for them in the near future. Moon helps. He knows the plants better than I do. We must. There are living residents on the grounds now. A vampire may not need to eat regularly, but the rest of us do. And the newly shifted most of all. They will need more meats to help them adjust till they have gone through their rites. I quietly hide in the kitchens when no one is looking and cook. I like cooking. I just don't tell anyone in case I get stuck with the task all the time. I make preserves and salt the meats we have, cut them to freeze. Stock pile. We'll need more. Seeing a whole pantry full of canned dog food seems a crime for Aurora. Even if she never changed... feeding a wolf canned dog food?! Ugh... I mean. I've lived off the stuff for a week once... but still... ugh...

Paolo! I finally learned the name of the servant on the premises. What an odd man who cannot seem to speak with the same accident from one day to the next. I wonder who he is. I worry who he is. And the other living servant here is named Puckerman, he manages the pool. And he is quite nice to look at. And I should NOT be looking! I may be far from ready for a relationship, but I am not dead. sometimes under stress... you just want to fuck, just to reaffirm life.*SIGH*

With the grounds completely mapped (and sometimes managing to sleep out there where my night terrors wake no one), I turn my attention to the main house. There is so much alcohol. What does Marchettus live off of? Blood and Alcohol? Can he? I am sure that would make even a vampire crazy... oh... well... that explains a lot now, doesn't it. I discover attics with greenhouses and storage rooms and paintings from as far back as 600AD. Paintings of Marchettus with the Mona Lisa, with Jefferson, with Joan of Arc (did she really look like that or is this a scam?)... and more. Well if you want photos of fame of you with celebrities and you can't have your picture taken... or the camera was not yet invented, I suppose paintings are the way to go. House mapped... and.. OH! secret passages! Pardon me... MUST map those. *GRIN* When I was little, I used to dream of finding a house like this and exploring the secret passages. Then I grew up and stopped believing people had those anymore. I never found any in my line of work unless it was some old castle or manor I was infiltrating. Ah... I guess this qualifies. Fun! About the only fun I think I will get. I can still feel like a kid with no one looking, can't I? I memorize them and find the wine cellar.

More alcohol... vintage alcohol. And a door. A basement door in the cellar. It leads to a door. They are very old and a bitch to open. I am filthy and dusty by the time i get through a long dark series of stairs and doors and tunnels and more doors. I get the others because this... I have no idea why I get the others. Well Aurora can glow so that helps. She leads the way along a long long dark tunnel that eventual begins to rise again till we end up in a cave behind a waterfall. It must be the waterfall by that lake that leads into the stream. Sophia declares that there are spirits here. She has finally accepted i think that she can speak to ghosts or spirits. I draw my klaive because it sometimes is helpful in moments like this. Sigils for Spirit beings... Spirit Bear, Coyote Ancestor, and... and what the fuck? A heart? What the hell? I shake the klaive hoping to shake the symbols into something that makes more sense. Who am I kidding? Why would it make sense? I think it is playing tricks on me again. But only with the heart... or is it? I have no idea what it means.

The gauntlet is extremely thin here like this is a holy place. Patrick and Sophia are pulled through the reflective surface of the waterfall into the umbra. And a coyote materializes before us. So much happens at this point that I can't hardly lock it down. We too travel to the umbra.

Dark Moon in Shifter Hell

I am not sure which is worse. Trapped in a nightmare through the long dark moon, screaming myself hoarse, unable to wake till the sun rises, to find myself soaked in sweat and shaking so badly that I can't even crawl to the bathroom. Or now, in a strange house full of strangers, most of whom are suddenly going through their first shift with what... a vampire, a cat (me) and one wolf shifter that may not even be able to shift as their guides.

Marchettus seems startled,  not expecting more than just one of them to shift. He speaks of cages out back and in the basement. This is so not how Fahr and his Silent Striders handle a new shift. Although... shifts among them never all happened on the same night!! I have been there for some of those. They can be destructively messy with just one shifting. But with... 4... FOUR!!

I waste no time. I grab the young girl over my shoulder. I am sure I can handle her in a first shift. Less sure I could handle others, let alone a lupus... I don't even know where to begin with... that. Patrick is handling Sophia who is a snaring mass of hate for Marchettus right now. We get these two out back. A glance over my shoulder and I see Marchettus coaxing Aurora to the basement and Moon... part bear? WTF!? manhandling Jeff to the basement. I can't believe I am giving in to the use of a cage for a first shift.

I can understand some of the distress. I remember my first shift and the panic. I am grateful Kira is not panicking. I talk reassuringly to her to help keep her calm. I try hard to ignore the insane cussing from Sophia. In her crinos form now and she can hardly sound coherent. I almost want to laugh, but I doubt that would go over well. us cats... when we shift, we shift all the way over then have to get walked back through the shifts. These wolves, they go half way into a war form far too high on adrenalin.

I open the cage for Kira and wrap a blanket over her naked crinos form. She'll be a naked little girl when she gets shifted back. I wonder how things are going in the basement. I am curious and want to check. I have never seen a lupus in first shift and honestly didn't really think that sort of thing ever happened. Also... honestly thought first shifts happened between ages 10 and 30. What went wrong with Sophia? I stay put with Kira, klaive across my lap and wait...

I try to block out Sophia screaming and snarling like a wolf gone insane every time she sees Marchettus. I hope she calms down soon.

The klaive on my lap has changed its symbols just as the door opens again and Aurora stumbles out to sit with Patrick. Amazing how she is still sweet tempered, even in this form that confuses her so. My klaive has spoken... so to speak. Ugh... did I just think that bad sentence? It displays 5 new symbols that translate to tribe names: Silver Fang, Shadow Lord, Get of Fenris, Black Fury, and Bone Gnawer. I can guess that these are for those wolves among us. It left me and Moon out. Well, we are not wolves. I try not to be insulted. You could at least put ME there since i am taking care of you and delivering you one day to who you need to go to. My thoughts of course are ignored beyond the vague auric sense that the klaive is once again laughing at me.

It takes hours for everyone to be stable and think, wrapped in blankets, they all sit awkwardly in the livingroom of the Pr... Sanctuary (yes, I refuse to call it the privy!). In crinos, everyone's scents are stronger. I try to think who... uhm... which tribe each of these new shifters might be from, based off what my klaive told me. My knowledge of the tribes is very limited. I know Silent Striders, Fianna, and you can't NOT know Silver Fang. I can guess that Aurora is Silver Fang. They have presence and a certain coloring that is very distinct. And look at that! The Get of Fenris really do mark their own! Jeff has a great big tribe marker on his back that says Get of Fenris. HA! *ehem* I know Patrick is Bone Gnawer now. That leaves Shadow Lord and Black Fury tibes. Kira and Sophia could be either. I really don't know enough about them to know how to tell them apart.

Patrick... being the only garou of experience here gets essentially made pack leader for the moment. He glares at Marchettus for setting him up. I know that feeling. He begins a long explanation of the tribes. There were 14 tribes once. One is now extinct. And there are the Black Spiral Dancers. tension rolls up my spine at their mention and I interject a quick bit about that.

The introductory lessons for the night move on to learning how to shift. I didn't think Patrick would be able to shift. And Moon... is definitely a bear shifter. he can even shift just one small part of himself. I am not sure I can do that. Never really thought about it. Suddenly I consider all sorts of interesting possibilities. I will have to practice on my own. And no... I still do not shift for them either. At least not till Moon has gone off to sleep on the sofa to Patrick's voice.  envy that guy for being able to just sleep anywhere and through anything comfortably. Patrick... actually can shift after all. He's remarkably quite good at it. Apparently he's been able to do that since birth. Thus, he has no real clue how to teach another about how. It becomes painful to listen to the attempt. After an hour, I can't stand it any more and offer to help. he can explain garou basics. I can teach shifting. Hi everyone... please welcome the yet again token kitty. At least my gentle patience and care get everyone through their various shifting forms and help them understand and control them.

The next step... dedicating clothing so these poor folks are not stuck being naked all the time. That is totally embarrassing. To my surprise, Jeff seems to have blood memory of this rite too! How does that happen? What else does he just... know? Maybe I can learn a new rite? Maybe... later... much later. He and I spend the night dedicating clothing. Just the simple dedication that allows all items to be absorbed when you shift forms. When they are ready, accept what they are, and decide on items they want accessible in their early forms: Homid (human), Glabro (near-human), and Crinos (half-half war form). I could make some things stay through all the forms, like a pendant or something simple.

Crap... why am I thinking long-term with these people?

And all I wanted was a short stay, under the radar, a get-away to lay low for a few days till I figured out what my next move was.

Awkward & Convenient

And this is why I always feel set up....

Staying aloof, out of the way and for the most part out of the conversations and socializing... It is very uncomfortable waiting with people who have no idea why they need to wait but each there for their own reason.

Moon: 
Metis... no... not metis like garou metis but metis like part Native American. he has the vague scent or sense/essence of... a shifter? No... I am imagining it. he is there to deliver pharmaceuticals to Patrick (done) and to recover from his long drive before driving off again.

Jeff:
Stand-offish as usual, well-versed in weapons of the... unusual and creative style, mostly projectile. he is there to deliver some unknown thing to Marchettus and is stuck waiting for Marchettus to arrive.

Patrick:
Patrick is Patrick. Albino... I think he is metis in the garou sense of metis. I don't know too much about them. If he is, I have no idea what tribe he would be part of.. maybe... Bone Gnawers? he is there to pick up his pharmaceuticals and apparently asked by Marchettus to stick around for some reason.

Aurora:
I guess I shouldn't leave her out. Prettiest wolf I ever did see. Like a silver and white large arctic or timber wolf. So well groomed. So tame. So friendly and trusting. I guess she's about 2 in age. She has so much puppy in her still. she is property of Marchettus. So he collects not just historical items... but exotic animals.

I hope I am not going to be part of that collection...
I belong to no one... practically don't even belong to myself.

That is what I gleaned from their talking and my observations. I have not volunteered anything about myself. My fingers curl around the hilt of the klaive. No, I tell myself for the millionth time, it is not like a security blanket. It is a weapon I am proficient at and I am holding it because... because... just because!

The casual conversation swirls around me on a variety of topics: Greek Fire, Napom, the use of large ants as field sutures. I tried to toss is a small joke. And once again, no one got my humor. So I kept my mouth shut. I think they are concerned about my observant silence. I have mentally assessed the danger and skill of each person, and ... my training kicks in as my mind seeks out their physical weaknesses and the best ways to either kill them or evade them.

Moon drifts off on the sofa again.

Patrick and Jeff get into the liquor cabinets and share scotch. I some of those bottles look too red to be scotch and all I think is that they are likely blood infused alcohol... or is that alcohol infused blood. Either way, it turns my stomach and I do not share... just in case. Some of the scotch bottles smell like they are authentically of the 17th century. I cannot believe they just opened it. Patrick has a hell of a constitution. If he really is garou, there is no surprise there then. Fahr had a hell of a constitution too.

Fahr...
Fuck... tonight's the dark moon. I look at all these people who are somewhat strangers and know my dark thoughts have dragged me back to that night. Conveniently gathered only to die. And I wasted my sweet ass time gathering secrets and not going out to help them. Stupid fucking dark moon. I guess I am not sleeping tonight. I don't dare. I cannot afford to be a total wreck among strangers in a strange home.

Finally Marchettus arrives with two people. I am right about Marchettus not that I know what to look for, or at least I think I do. His aura is very faint. He has almost no personal scent. And if I strain... no heartbeat. That is just totally creepy. The dead should stay... dead. *shudder* he smells... old... like the old furnishings here too. He must be a very old vampire.  He still seems silly and altogether too human. I am not sure how to classify this leech. Patrick knows him and seems to trust him. but can I trust Patrick's judgement? Aurora... adores Marchettus. I think this wolf would adore anyone and anything if it didn't directly try to hurt her.

Sophia:
One of the people Marchettus arrived with. Some older shi-shi woman. I think she is or was some model or actress. Her face seems familiar. And all i think of is that old movie: The Devil Loves Prada. Dear gods and ancestors... kill me now.

Kira:
And some child, a girl of about 12 who has the mild dissociative behavior of one who has just come from a place of death. she has short dark hair and olive skin with grey eyes. She clutches a bow much the same way I clutch my (not my) klaive. She is a ward of Marchettus. So... he inherited a child. What are his intentions? Are they abbhorant in the way of that bordello room? Maybe he saves that for the older women. I just cringed so hard my teeth hurt. Maybe the child will end up as... food.

New group assessment...
Patrick and Jeff are perfectly capable of protecting themselves. If something bad goes down here with us all so conveniently together, I could buy them time to fight or run. I won't have a repeat of the GhorraPawz incident. Moon... I think he can manage. There is something about him that tells me so. I have no ties to anyone else. I really don't have any ties to any of them. If I need to bugger out, I can. But then there is this 12-yr-old. Dammit. That part of me that NEEDS to do the right thing will not let me leave her in danger. Fine. I can protect her. A small drop in the bucket of debt I owe Fahr.

It all has gotten suddenly more awkward with all these new faces. I should find out where my room is and retreat to it. Or...

What is that smell?
Jeff is suddenly very ill. The scotch? No... So is Sophia... and Kira... and.. shit... Aurora. I know that smell... I KNOW THAT SMELL! The smell for first shifts.

The word conveniently brought together comes to mind.

And this is why I always feel like I am set up...

Marchettus' Privy

Marchettus... what a strange name for a Scottish man with a penchant for old things and antiquated lifestyles.

The Privy... what the fuck was he thinking naming a guesthouse that?!

It took me the better part of 7 hours to travel to this place southwest of Chicago. I had never been there. It's outside of town on the far side from where my loft is. The grounds are huge... like a whole park reserve and then some. There are a few buildings on it. This guy had been buying up land left right and center. He sure must be loaded. Scottish foreign immigrant. He's tall... way taller than me. 6-foot 2-inches. Long strawberry blond hair and bushy beard. Heavy Scottish brogue. From media, he's not too fond of the government and seems to particularly hate politicians. I met him very briefly. He looked me up and down and cheerily pointed out the guest house calling it the privy. I wanted to remind him he is in America now and a privy here does not mean the same thing as it does in Europe. But he didn't give me the chance. He reminds me of a child on too much chocolate. Whatever. A hiding spot is a hiding spot. I suppose I could disappear anywhere if I really have to... But for the time being, I am not sure i am stable enough to be too far from Patrick's care. I hope Patrick makes an appearance.

The Privy... the private guest house... is opulent. I sit in the main room as I understand this is the first contact place for anyone coming here. Deliveries get dropped off, message end up here. I have a couple hours somewhat to myself and find myself faced with... a giant white wolf. And this was supposed to be safe, unquestioned crash space off the grid.

My first reaction was... caution and a hand to the klaive strapped to my back. Amazing how this Marchettus guy was completely unphased by it. He simply laughed and said she, Aurora, was friendly. Then he left. He had to run some errand. As it turns out... she was very friendly. I am such a damned sap. It was nice to just sit and rub my hands through her fur. It helped with my nervous edginess and shaking, too. She's actually... really sweet and super curious about me. Well, I am sure i smell like nothing she's ever smelled before.

I wish Marchettus stayed a bit longer to at least tell me what room I was staying in. He's coming back. I can hang out in the main room. Duffle with the klaive beside me where I have dropped myself. I yank a cushion from the sofa to sit on and play fetch with... the wolf. I feel a bit weird playing doggy games with a wolf. Gods I miss Fahr and the Silent Striders. This whole place, these grounds smell and feel like some long lost old cairn. I take a small moment to bury my face into her thick soft fur. The first time I come anywhere close to some kind of comfort. I pull back. If I lose composure now... I don't know if I can ever come back to coherent. Like I said, I know I won't pass the psych evals if I went back to work.

And good thing because I am now not alone. People arrive. First some metis guy from Canada. A courier bringing in some meds. His name apparently is Moon. Since he sounded like he was using a code name i did too and introduced myself as Silent Strider. He found that very funny and too much of a mouthful. He is very laid back... and tired since he'd been on the road for nearly 22 hours. I resigned to telling him my name was Jake. This is his drop point to meet with Patrick. Thank gods. Patrick will be coming. At least there will be a familiar face and I can ask for something to ease the edge off my shaking and nightmares again. Then that guy from the gun shop. What was his name? Schmidt... Jeff Schmidt. he too has a delivery, but Marchettus has to sign for it so he's waiting. The waiting is awkward. Moon doses on the sofa, Jeff fidgets, bored, waiting. He is the kind of guy i can see needing to always be doing something with his hands. Moon has to wait for Patrick. Jeff has to wait for Marchettus. And I am waiting for... I have no fucking clue. Maybe a clue. *facepalm*

Aurora leans into me, tail wagging, silver tipped fur tickling my face, amber eyes gazing with longing and hope for attention. Yup, I am a sap. I totally give in to her.. She's very bright. I can talk to her like a person about the game I will play and she gets it. So very smart. So... I ask her for a tour. Hell, why not? And she obliges! HA! Well... it is something to do.

She walks me up the stairs to the second floor to a room that smells of Marchettus. Must be his room, or a room he uses often in this guesthouse. I refuse to call it a privy. The sign on the door to the room reads, "Patrons Only." Curious... curiosity killed the cat... please let satisfaction bring him back. I opened the door. Aurora didn't try to protect the space, so... ok then. *cough* NOT what I expected.Looked like i just walked into a near early 20th century bordello room. Marchettus has... uh... eccentric taste.

Then Aurora walks me to another room with a sign on the door that says, "no cats allowed." I am amused. I step inside just because. Step in, step out, step in... No one gets my humor. Clearly this is her room. Alabaster food and water bowls. Lots of stuffed animals and toys. Tons of blankets in various staged of canine love. I take up one of her favorite blankets and a toy she brings to me. I'll bring them downstairs for her.

There are several other rooms here. All old decor from various eras. It is practically a museum. And this is just the guesthouse! Closer inspection and there is no doubt. It is all authentic. Too much for just a collector. Some of this could likely only be gotten first hand from ... being there... in those times. I ignore the question and its answer screaming in my mind.

The bathroom on this floor is the next place Aurora brings me to. I suppose she is touring me to the most familiar places. Biggest bathroom I have ever seen. Also all alabaster. The tub is practically a small swimming pool! My calculating mind translated: alabaster... deadly, cold, and easy to clean. The faintest hint of the smell of blood... down the drain. CLICK! Holy shit... Marchettus is a vampire. A real one. And old one.

I return to the main room and set a place up for Aurora beside my chosen cushion and duffle bag.

Patrick has arrived and collected his pharmaceuticals from Moon. Moon is staying a few days to recoup from his drive before heading back out. Patrick offered to accept the delivery from Jeff for Marchettus. Jeff is responsible or obstinate. He will only sign it over directly to Marchettus. Those two seem to know each other, better than I know either of them. I decide to remain... aloof. Aloof and wary. No reason to call it shy. There are only three other people here and a wolf... and two  of them I know by name and face.

So this is the Privy... the sanctuary. I wonder who else will show up.

Abandoning the Den

Early April 2012

AAAAHHHH!
*pant pant pant*

I grip the klaive beside me in the bed. Eyes wildly checking shadows, corners. Ears straining for any foreign sounds. Klaive in one hand, dagger from under my pillow in the other, I cautiously check under the bed. I had long since got rid of any mirrors... just in case. I know I can block anyone from stepping from the umbra... the otherworld... into my den. The mirrors just had to go. The bathroom got smashed last time i tried to shave around the scars. A monster just seemed to be looking back at me... my scarred reflection.Nothing was under the bed. It was stupid. It was just another nightmare. I hacked the legs off the bed this morning though. If there is no under the bed, there is not chance of something being under it. I'll have to remember not to step on the bedside sword that usually sits under the bed's edge.

The adrenalin wears off, leaving my hands shaking again. I just sit with the klaive. Wait for it to pass.

Sometimes I feel lost. I am lost. So used to taking orders, I am not wholly sure what my role is now. Rogue... also means leaderless. What now? I glare at the klaive and demand of it, WHAT NOW!? I run my hands through my sweat soaked hair. What now?

Now... coffee. Then workout... then meditate. then shower.... Then....

2 hours later...

I have a third mission to gather intel from within a governmental building. No one gave me this mission. I gave it to myself. I am looking for answers. I find a shit load of secrets and stuff that leads to more questions... but never the answers to who really chose that mission with GhorraPawz. Never answers to the reasons why Fahr knew to bring his whole pack and got them all onto the mission list. I don't even know if they were all working for MI-5. No answers to why... why... WHY... the whole Silent Strider pack got wiped out. Every single one of them.... like those... things... knew exactly where each team member was. This is why I am more and more certain every day that it was a set-up. I don't think they expected even me to show up for the rendezvous point.

I shake my head. The memories are too painful. My hands start to shake again. Maybe Patrick has something for this... to settle the nerves.

I still feel mostly directionless. Purposeless. No... that's not true. I have one purpose. Find this klaive's true owner. That owner is somewhere here... somewhere in Chicago. I am not sure why I know that. It is like a feeling. Maybe the klaive has decided to speak empathically to me.

Why do I feel so on edge? I feel watched. Like every hair is on end this morning. I spend the day preparing for my mission, moving through some extra bladework, using the climbing wall I build in this loft... but that edgy feeling won't go away. I double check the loft's roof escape. It's clear. I open the curtain to the front window a crack for the 11th time today. That van is still there. The guy in it just lit his cigarette.

I'm compromised!

Time to go....

I grab the laptop and pry it open with a blade, rip all the components out. I tear the notes off the fridge and burn them in the cast iron frying pan on the stove. The magnets that held them to the fridge get dropped onto each piece of the laptop that might hold any memory. The EM pulse wiped out most functionality of most of my electronics, but this had been protected in a case. The radio and TV... offer very sketchy service. They all get wiped down. Everything does.

All fridge contents get dumped down the drains or toilet. Bleach gets poured down after them. the climbing gear gets tossed to the middle of the room with my duffle. Some clothes. Food rations. Thin thermal blanket. Compact first aid kit and field medical kit.

Blades... shit. I cannot take them all. The klaive. The katana and wakasashi. Three daggers. My favorite dirk. Field survival knife. Ten throwing knives. Flatpack of 8 stars. I look at the rest of the collection, blades from various places in the world, collected from missions. I can't take them. Maybe I can come back for them. But I might not be able to. I can leave them. I have the criticals. 

I pull us a floorboard and grab the cash I have kept there before that fiasco of a bloodbath mission and from the black market missions. I kick the board back down into place and stamp it hard. then yank the brick from the wall by the bed and grab the bag within. Passports for USA & UK, along with currency and four keys and a stone. Keys for lockers where other contents are secured. The stone... all I have left from my last visit to Fahr's cairn.

Cairn... my Den. Damn. I don't have time to do the rite to undo the cat magic in here. Ancestors forgive me. I'll back if I can. I debate stepping through the umbra here to disappear. But if things were waiting on that mission... what if they are here too, with those men lurking outside. I refuse to be an easy meal. Into the vent escape route to the roof it will be then.

Gear strapped into place. Boots on and hood up.  Duffle shoved into vent. I pull the old crank fan into place. there is a bag... of dust... inside the vent. I crank the fan and let it suck the contents of the back of months of dust collection. Last survey of the room.... now with a thin layer of dust as if I had not been there in months.

Time to go.
Patrick had suggested a place to me once... if I needed to disappear.
The Privy.

Now I feel even more lost and more like no one.
Now I have no safe place to call home.

Figures with a dark moon coming...

I grip the klaive and climbing gear and disappear into the night... adrift in the world.

Re-Establish

I am Jake Adams.
My true name remains one of my secrets.
My code name is Silent Strider.
I wear the name with pride for they are my pride, my pack, my family.

I am a secret hunter.
I am I killer.
I will make up for the losses of my pack.
Their deaths will forever haunt me.

I trust no one.
I want to trust someone.
I want to heal these wounds inside.
I want to be part of a pride.

Dark secrets.
Blood on my hands.
Dark Moons.
Night terrors in my mind.

I am Silent Strider.
I am Jake Adams.
I am a secret hunter.
I am no one.

Here I come.

News: Coming Out

The world changed while I was in private rehab. I had isolated myself for healing and training. I blocked everything out but the small freelance missions I took in the black market to rehone my skills.

I finally felt ready to get a real look at the world again and decide how I want to step back into it, since I have been ignoring the comm codes to report back to the CIA. Did I trust them? Did they set me up? Did they know what I was? Do they now? What will they do with me? I needed answers without being trapped in their web of lies and service.

The first big question I had to ask myself was… am I ready to be back? That answer was a no. I know I still won’t pass a psych exam. The nightmares are still bad and mornings leave me sometimes shaking too much to trust holding a cup of coffee. I sleep badly on good nights. Dark moons? I am better to not go to sleep at all those nights. I am glad my loft is so soundproof. I am sure the screams would wake the neighbors otherwise. I suppose I am improved since I actually get some sleep now whereas in October… I had days where I was so fogged that I could not tell reality from nightmare and had to beg Patrick for sedatives.

It is now February 2012…

I have better control of myself, even though the nightmares still come. I shake less. I can manage to slip into places and get intel. I can still take out a target. I don’t sleep on Dark Moons. Mornings are a series of meditation, katas with and without blades, honoring of the blades way of the Sword as I had been taught… though I usually do this now with this klaive rather than one of the other blades I usually work with. I like the feel of it in my hands. I kneel respectfully with it across my lap and just study the symbol upon it. Sometimes they change. I seem to always be able to read them. Sometimes I think it is just communicating with me. Sometimes I think it is laughing at me. I wish Fahr was here to advise me. Fahr…

I turn on the TV and radio now and then to get the public news. I dig out the supposedly secure laptop I was issued and dig up news that may not be made public. And it is nothing of what I expect.

Vampires are real.

Vampires of come out of the proverbial coffin or closet or whatever.

Vampires are in positions of power… and openly admit it.

I take a moment to digest this news. I recall what I learned from Fahr. Vampires, litch, leeches. All the same. Although Fahr used to make a distinction. While they were all leeches, bloodsuckers, Vampires had a degree of class and respectability… maybe even honor in some way. They had a code and laws that they adhered to very strongly. Litches, abandoned that and are little better than a rabid undead tiger determined to drain you of blood and life. I don’t yet know how to tell the difference. Hell, I have never met any vampires directly and been told THIS is a vampire. I have no idea of knowing if someone is or not. And whose side are they on? What… who... will they feed on? Are the stories and myths true? What works and what doesn’t? How do I kill one if I have to? Have I killed a target already who was a vampire and all he is doing now is laughing and re-establishing himself?

Who… or what… runs the major corporations that are the fragile support of our country right now? Runs the CIA? Runs the government?

So many secrets.

I need to know.

I smash my comm. The flashing was annoying.

Guess I really am rogue now.